Trans Model Cece Chow - Relearn How To Feel

Relearning To Feel

Cece Chow is a trans model, filmmaker, photographer, advocate, business owner, and storyteller. Almost half of her lifetime, she had lived in self-denial. Growing up in the 80s and 90s in Calgary - a very conservative city in South Alberta, Canada, being trans did not even exist. Raised as the eldest son in an Asian household, her identity was set in stone the day she was born: the male heir in Confucian culture.

“That was the position of honour and I was proud of the role I was given,” shared Cece. “However, it also came with a lot of responsibility and pressure that I had to fill.”

Cece Chow is a trans model, filmmaker, photographer, advocate, business owner, and storyteller.

She was perceived as a straight man. She dated women, married women and filled the role of father to two sons.

But one day, looking down on herself in a morning shower, she had a panic attack - what later she realized was called “a gender dysphoria” **. In a flashback of her youth and upbringing, what were considered logical thoughts before did not make any sense.

At 42, Cece came out to the world as a woman who is trans.

“I’m Cece Chow". My pronoun is She/ Her.” - Photo courtesy of Cece.

**According to American Psychiatric Association, gender dysphoria refers to psychological distress that results from an incongruence between one’s sex assigned at birth and one’s gender identity.

LIVING IN A CONFUSING WORLD

 Cece had always had feminine tendencies since she was in elementary school.

 “I always wanted to wear the same pants that the girls were wearing, because they were colorful, and the boys’ pants were only black, brown, green and dark blue,” said Cece. “But I did not know what it meant to me.”

When Cece was in high school and university, she constantly felt it was so hard to be a boy. There were times she would be mistaken as a girl. While many boys would get offended by this comment, she would be fine with that and take it as a compliment.

“When you go through puberty, everything is very confusing,” said Cece. “If you are assigned as a female, people start treating you as a woman. If you are assigned as a male, people start treating you as a male.”

Although it never felt right for her to have a clear line of being a male and female, she could not accept that she was trans and tried hard to push against that thought.

COMING OUT TO HERSELF

After her “aha” - coming out to herself moment in the shower, she decided to come out first to herself and later to her friends and then, to her family. Having looked back on the excuses she made earlier in her life through the lens of trans, such as “shaving her legs because she was a cyclist, or plucking her eyebrow because of hygiene,” everything suddenly made so much sense.

“I’m not a freak. I’m not a pervert. I was just not fulfilling the right role.” - shared Cece.

Challenges came when she broke the news to her parents. Her father’s reaction was trying to be logical and ask her a lot of questions, and her mother’s was, “I need time to process”.

“I was scared and sad. At the time, what I really needed was, ‘I love you. You are still my child. Nothing will change that … and then ‘I’m still processing it,” said Cece. “But I know that raised the way my parents were raised, it was not how they would say. That was challenging. There was so much unknown. There was no certainty.”

However, she was shocked, when she told her youngest child who was eight years old at that time,

“He stood up, looked dead at me in my eyes, ‘You know what. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable about things too, but it’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way.’ He gave me a big hug and I held him in tears. I couldn’t believe my eight-year-old kid saw that his parent was in distress and needed comforting and that was what he did for me.”

Cece and her beautiful sons. - Photo courtesy of Cece.

HITTING HER PUBERTY AGAIN

In 2018, Cece started hormone therapy. This upcoming August will mark three years since Cece came out and as she said, “It’s like living another lifetime.”

“My body changed. I gained fat where I had always wanted to gain fat. My clothes fit better. I got to express myself through fashion and it happened to be very feminine.”

In nature I feel the most free. When I am in the midst of nature and have left the city and people behind, I just belong. The forests, streams, ponds, and mountains welcome me and I simply exist in that place. Nature does not judge me except perhaps through the elements. Even then there is no intention in it. It simply is and I simply am. - Written by Cece on her Instagram - Photo courtesy of Cece.

One of the best things for her was being able to connect with other women in a more intimate and vulnerable way that she had wished for a long time.

“When I got checked out by women, it felt different. It was like an invitation. I see you and I want to have interactions with you,” Cece shared with her big, bright smile.

Cece is also going through some legal paperwork to change her name and identity. Her plan originally was to keep the name her parents gave her. However, since she came out, she had encountered many incidents where she did not feel safe using that name.

“When we can travel again, I don’t want to get into trouble at the security or immigration,” said Cece. “I just want to live my life.”

BECOMING AN ADVOCATE

Growing up, there were not many positive representations of trans people that Cece could look up to. In particular, there were almost no Chinese trans that she could find in the media. Therefore, she knew the moment she came out, she had to become the voice of her Chinese, Asian trans siblings.

“There are so many people of Chinese cultural descent in the world, yet so few of us are out. Our culture is doing a great job of locking us in the closet. We need to see more Asian trans people living their good lives and having great representations,” said Cece.

Becoming a model is part of her plan to represent the trans community. Cece has been featured in many fashion brands, commercial ads and social media posts.

“I was taught that pride was bad. Don't make noise, don't stand out, be quiet, stay small (Chinese much?). My plan was to quietly transition, run my little plant store and just live my life. However, my heart had other plans. […] I found myself standing out instead of keeping my head down. I found myself having conversations instead of being quiet. I found myself taking up space and being seen instead of staying small. So much for transitioning quietly.” - Written by Cece on her Instagram. - Photo courtesy of Cece.

“It has been very interesting to learn to see myself the way people see me,” Cece shared. “It is easy to look at the mirror and see some of my pre-transition characteristics and feel so masculine and manly. But somehow, when people capture photos of me and select the best ones to share on social media, it has dawned on me that oh it’s how they see me and I look beautiful.”

RELEARNING TO FEEL HER FEELINGS 

For most of her life, Cece tried to live up to the idea of being a masculine man and showing emotions was considered weak. However, stepping out of her closet gave her the opportunity to reflect and relearn to connect with her emotions.

“For all those years, I didn’t know how to feel my feelings appropriately. I spent so much time not feeling them.”

On her social media pages, she is very open to sharing about her mental health journey, even on those days, she feels extremely difficult and can’t get out of bed.

“I met the most amazing group of girls this past week; girls like me. Even though culturally we have differences, they understood me in a way that my cis friends will probably always struggle with. I love my friends so very much. They've lifted me up, carried me, made room for me and I never would have made it this far without them and I'll definitely need them in the days to come.” - Written by Cece on her Instagram. - Photo courtesy of Cece.

“I want people to see that life can have very good things and bad things. It’s life. It’s unreasonable to think that everything is beautiful, and we know what is going to happen tomorrow. Don’t give up on yourself because it’s hard, or because you won’t be able to get out of bed today. Even though it felt like you didn’t do anything, you still have value. Remember you made it through the day and you’re still here.”

Follow her on Instagram @thetransplanter to learn more about her gender and mental health journey.